late questions

My dear Mr. Frodo,

It is a cold and starless night and outside the first snow of winter is falling. I sit next to Rosie. At least she has fallen asleep, but I could find no rest, for too many thoughts are in my mind. Rosie feels ill since weeks, she has lost weight and is now suffering from a bad fever.
I'm frightened, Frodo. I don't know what I would do, if I lost Rosie. During the years she has become such an important part of my life and I love her for she gives me strength when I feel weak and makes me laugh when I am down, you know, but I guess it is more that kind of love you feel for a sister or for a real close friend - it is not the kind of love I feel for you.

I'm feeling alone, Frodo. During the last days I have spent so much time thinking about the past, about my life and about you. I wonder what you are doing now, if you are happy over there and if you think of your good old Samwise one time or another. I think a lot of you, I have to admit, especially in nights like this when sleep will not come over me and I'm all alone with my thoughts. 'Cause you know that I love you, that I have always done so, and that I will till my dying day. But still the question keeps on spinning in my mind what you feel- for you never told me.

I wonder if you ever regretted that night, Frodo. The night you told me that you will leave the Shire forever. As you spoke the words to me, it hurt badly. A feeling of pain and disappointment arose in my stomach and tears were coming up. I could not stand your presence any longer and ran away.

You found me where you expected me, beneath the old oak near the small lake, where I always went when I wanted to be alone. I still remember the sultriness of that night like it has been yesterday, and not years ago. The air was wet and thick and hard to breathe and I sat on the ground, my back laid against the rough wood of the tree, crying and sobbing like a little child. You knelt down in front of me and in your eyes I could see so much pity and understanding.

"Shhh, Sam, don't cry, I'm here.....I'm with you.", you said tranquillising, but the tears wouldn't stop from falling.

As you began to kiss away the tears from my cheeks with your soft lips, did you intend the following things to happen?
As you slowly opened the buttons of my shirt with trembling fingers, what was it that drove you?
As you kissed my throat, my collarbones and then wandered further down in order to taste every piece of skin of my chest with your tongue, was it love that made you doing so?

Or did you just do it because you knew in your heart what I was feeling for you and wanted to do me a favour? Was it maybe a kind of present for good-bye in order to dilute the pain? Or was it just fun for you, a new experience... you have always been very curious for a hobbit, Frodo.

I cannot count the hours which I spent during the years thinking about these questions.
I'm annoyed that I haven't asked you and that I will probably never have the chance to do so.

As we lay there afterwards, naked and exhausted, our bodies weeping, a single drop of sweat rolled down your nose and I kissed it away. Then I told you that I love you and that I have done so for nearly all my life. Instead of an answer you kissed my lips with so much emotion that I was, at least in this moment, convinced that you shared my feelings. But I also felt that this kiss meant good-bye and that I would never taste your sweet lips on mine again.

The first time after your departure was hard. My heart was broken and all I could think was that I have lost you, the love of my life.
Later other things became important in my life - Rosie, my beloved children, my job - so that I was mostly diverted during the days. But at night the memory and the questions were agonising me.

What if I had told you earlier? What if you would have known about my feelings years before? Would our lives have taken a different direction?
Remember what Gandalf said long ago: "All we have to decide is what we do with the time that is given to us." Sometimes I think that I have wasted my time, time that I could have spent with you. Have I taken the wrong decisions? Maybe you and I would have lived together in Bag End forever, maybe you would never have left the Shire, if I had just told you earlier that I love you.
Well, I know that thoughts like these are foolish, because I cannot turn back time.
And I would not say my life has been bad, no, I guess, it has been much better than the life an ordinary gardener usually expects. But something was missing during the last years: you.

I think I have to end here now for Rosie is murmuring in her sleep, shaking from one side to another. I think the fever has increased. I'm so frightened. Deep in my heart I feel that she will leave soon. But I will care for her till the end. She was always there when I needed her, now I will be there for her as she needs me. I will not let her alone.

In the strong hope that you think of me from time to time and with endless love,

Samwise Gamgee